Late Night Electric Watermelon

by Phil Nichol

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1.
Clown's Nose 03:24
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2usz-XKsmY I close my eyes And drift away Winnie-the-Pooh balloons And a big gay parade Pink candy floss fades back To streets so grey Cause now The clown’s nose is broken I cast my mind back To that unfortunate day I have to admit to you I got carried away When I wiped that cherry smile Off that made up face And now The clown’s nose is broken The clown’s nose is broken And it doesn’t go… It goes… And it doesn’t go… It goes… And it doesn’t go… It goes… The clown’s nose is broken The clown’s nose is broken I’ve done my time for ABH I know he was only small Just about 4’8” But he called homophobic So I made him pay And now the clown’s nose is broken The clown’s nose is broken And it doesn’t go… It goes… And it doesn’t go… It goes… And it doesn’t go… It goes… The clown’s nose is broken The clown’s nose is broken I say the clown’s Clown’s nose Is broken I say the clown’s Clown’s nose is broken The clown’s Clown’s nose Is broken.
2.
Rust 02:10
I am the rust I am the must I am the crust On a mustard jar I am the disease I am the lice I’m Satan’s hairy fingers And I don’t smell nice I am the Rust x2 I am the poison I am mold The festering peach That shouldn’t be sold I am heartache I am stress I’m the day old puke On a fat girls dress I am the rustx3 Things fall apart but I remain Grieving, nausea, headache pain Chaos spiral on the chemical plane Sucking pube hairs from your drain (Guitar solo) I am the Rustx2 I am the puss I am the cum Anal infection Haemorrhoidal scum I am AIDS I am the dirt I am the bullet That killed Kurt I am the rust x3
3.
Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys Stayed at our ranch last summer They came out of the night All sixteen All white Needing someplace to slumber They cooked and cleaned and were helpful So we shampooed their snow-coloured afros We asked them to dance They took a hesitant stance And lay down On soft comfy pillows Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys Looked like rabbits without any fur Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys Some called them freaks But we called them sir They left one night softly creepin’ While all of the dudes were a-sleepin’ We woke at dawn And saw they was gone So went back to sleep until evenin’ Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys Looked like rabbits without any fur Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys Some called them freaks But we called them sir Some called them freaks But we called them sir Some called them freaks (impro freak chat) But we called them sir
4.
Nipple 00:26
5.
Do The Dukes 02:10
In a place called Hazard County lived a family called the Dukes Uncle Jesse and the good ole boys, we knew as Bo and Luke Car chases were de rigeur with Rosco in pursuit But the only reason I watched the show was because of Daisy Duke Daisy Duke Daisy Duke I’d lie awake at night And dream of snogging Daisy Duke If Boss Hogg had his way the boys would spend their lives in jail At the end of every episode the plot would surely fail A clever twist in fate or in the road was all it took But I couldn’t give a toss I only watched for Daisy Duke Daisy Duke Daisy Duke I’d lie awake at night And dream of shagging Daisy Duke Daisy Duke Daisy Duke I’d lie awake at night And dream of shagging Daisy Duke As I turned fourteen a change came over me I stop looking a Daisy’s shorts and the General Lee As Graham Norton taught me a nudge was all it took I stopped dreaming about Daisy and fantasized of Bo and Luke Bo and Luke Bo And Luke I don’t know which one is which But I’m in love Bo and Luke Bo and Luke Bo And Luke I lie awake at night And dream of shagging Bo and Luke Daisy Duke Daisy Duke I’d lie awake in bed And dream of shagging Daisy Duke Bo and Luke Bo And Luke I lie awake at night And dream of shagging Bo and Luke Bo and Luke As Daisy too I lie awake at night And dream of doing All the Dukes And Uncle Jesse too Get on the floor old man
6.
ECG 02:32
You show your vagina For a piece of popcorn And everyone around you Starts to laugh But you mean much more to me Emotionally Challenged Girl One two three Then you start to pee And drink your urine From a paper cup Those kids are not your friends Emotionally Challenged Girl You might think that is weird When I tell you Not to wear your poo as a beard Well I’ll tell you Don’t show your ass And don’t flash your tits Don’t eat plums whole And shit out the pits So Don’t run away And don’t turn your back And take that chewed up Frisbee From you crack You mean so much to me You are my fantasy Kiss me Its ecstasy Emotionally Challenged Girl Emotionally Challenged Girl Emotionally Challenged Girl La lala la la La la la la la La la
7.
8.
Kill yourself Set yourself free Kill yourself It’s the only way to be Grab a kitchen fork Stick it in your throat And as you draw your dying breath Leave a little note saying I’ve killed myself There’s a chilli in the fridge I’ve killed myself Say goodbye to the kids Death is not the end Said the Dalai Lama So take a part time job As a suicide bomber If you want to hasten Your mortality Question Mike Tyson’s Sexuality Climb the Eiffel tower Throw yourself from the top Or pull a replica gun On an American cop Kill yourself It’s the only way to go Kill yourself That’s the end of the show Hitler, Cobain, Cleopatra At least they did it their way Unlike Frank Sinatra Doo be doo be Do yourself in x3 Whoa Whoa In a river Off a cliff With a bullet Or a knife By a train On a boat In a pact With your wife Slash your wrist Suffocate Why wait Just kill yourself Kill yourself x2 Kill Your Self Do yourself in
9.
Pancreas 01:08
Pancreas You’re my favourite organ Pancreas You do all the dirty work Pancreas I need an operation Pancreas Don’t think that I’m a jerk I never did anything to hurt you But I’ve got this terrible pain in my gut And when the doctor sticks his big knife in Pancreas It’s going to hurt a lot Pancreas When they put me under Pancreas Please don’t start to cuss Pancreas I never got time to thank yah So Pancreas Here’s a thanks from all of us Thanks Pancreas We love you
10.
Bitter Song 02:11
You think you have gone too far But I’ll know you’ll go further I took the brakes off of your car See you later You never should have left me In the first place I want to be with you now If only to see your face Stay on the road You got lots of gas Yeah, You’re going to go further Watch out for those kids They just got out of class Whoops That’s called murder You never should have left me In the first place I want to be with you now If only to see your face Hope that you enjoy the flight Pull down the roof Take a deep breath Feel the wind Against your face Give me a call When you come Back down From outer space You never should have left me In the first place I want to be with you now If only to see your face Hope that you enjoy the flight You never should have left me In the first place I want to be with you now If only to see your face
11.
Sleazy 02:19
(Spanish gibberish) I’m going to give you A sleazy massage I’m going to give you A sleazy massage
12.
13.
Rohypnol 02:40
I don’t feel so good Is it me or is it hot in here? I fell asleep in my pudding I think I’ve had too much wine. Rohypnol This guy asked me out for dinner He seemed so cool at the bar His hands are warm and sweaty He’s putting me into his car Rohypnol I woke up in my own bed Wearing nothing but socks A burning pain round my anus The faint smell of cock I can’t believe this has happened to me It’s a dream sent from above It’s everything I wanted It’s everything I needed To be taking advantage of Hey hey hey On the floor by the cupboard The guy is slumped and blue I could never have guessed that He liked Rohypnol too Rohypnol
14.
She’s deaf and she’s dumb And she’s my girl I’m Helen Keller’s Feller She can’t see, talk or hear And I can’t smell And I’m Helen Keller’s Feller I can’t tell her Cause I’m Helen Keller’s Feller That I can’t smell her Cause I’m Helen Keller’s Feller
15.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOus8leLRWs The moon was full The night was still I was breaker 1-9 I’m rubber duck Big Jessie In a convoy of five Scooter was driving Kenworth Yellowman was hauling horse Stavros drives a grocery grabber Fred’s watching our back door With no sign of Smokey Peddle to the metal We were clear When we heard his voice The hair on my neck Stood up in mortal fear Hoobo doo ba de do Heeb did diddly day Deee ba doo ba de do Be boo Is what he said Yellowman screamed And Scooter shat And Starvros 10-4’d Fred It sounded like the voice of Greasy Fist Joe But we knew he was DEAD But he was dead Dead dead dead I jammed on the Jake brake Pulled into the choke and puke There were 10-14 truckers Surrounded by a Bear named Duke Smokey explained A crotch rocket jockey Had jack-knifed Dirty Jane Had we kept our hammer down Our fate would have been the same This was the warning of Greasy Fist Joe When it’s dark and you are tired If you listen really low On the static of channel 6 On your CB radio It’ll chill your spine It’ll blow your mind Cause you will hear him go Hoobo doo ba de do Heeb did diddly day Deee ba doo ba de do Be bo Is what he said But he was dead Dead dead dead We were saved because we heard him Five of us and fourteen more So stop and heed the warning Of Greasy Fist Joe As you hurtle cross The freeway of your life as it may go Take your tootsies off the peddle Remember go slow This was the warning of Greasy Fist Joe When it’s dark and you are tired If you listen really low On the static of channel 6 On your CB radio It’ll chill your spine It’ll blow your mind Cause you will hear him go Hoobo doo ba de do Heeb did diddly day Deee ba doo ba de do Be bo Is what he said But he was dead Dead dead dead
16.
String 00:29
When God made little boys He made them out of string He had a little left And so He left a little thing When God made little girls He made them out of lace He didn’t have enough And so He left a little space I’m string I’m string I’m string I’m string
17.
I love him Like a fish loves to swim I need him Like a princess needs a whim I’m crazy Like a monkey on a limb I love him Like a bin man loves his bins (Norwegian rap) I’m lonely Like a tonic without the gin I need him Like a gay man needs a rim I’m crazy Like an amputee without a limb I hate him Like a fat chick hates the gym You asshole You creep I’m going to kill you In your sleep So be prepared My teeth are bared Your days are numbered Just like the ones we shared Goodbye dead boy Hope you enjoy Hope you enjoy Goodbye dead boy Hope you enjoy Sleeping with your eyes Wide open (Norwegian rap) I love him I need him I want him I hate him
18.
The Hulk 00:20
19.
Hometown 03:12
Her lips had been frosted and her colours had been done She wore her hair in a chignon, denied it was a bun She suffered from depression though she didn’t know its causes She occupied herself with what foie gras and vichyssoise is She popped pills for her nerves Drank a crisp Chablis with lunch She packed a Finnish vodka to pour in her fruit punch She had a tendency to get quite lippy Her name was Tippy His hairline was receding and his interests were quite varied And so were all the rumours as to why he never married He collected Royal Dalton. He was pinch lipped and prissy. He had a twin Pekingese called Debbie and Missy He was partial to antiques and Victorian button hooks He gave the high track team such burning hungry looks He had a reputation as the local child molester His name was Chester I hated these people from my hometown Hated these people from my hometown So I mailed them fire bomb Whoops I killed the people in my hometown She drank pots of fresh coffee and smoked a Marlboro light She played a mean game of Canasta well into the night She had unsightly small grey hairs sprouting from her double chin And no one had ever seen her without her curlers in She wore purple toreador pants and lime green sleeveless tops She wore purple plastic flowers on the toes of her flip flops Her husband was known as Mr. Sherri-Lynn Her name was Sherri-Lynn I hated these people from my hometown Hated these people from my hometown So I mailed them fire bomb Whoops I killed the people in my hometown (Everybody sing) I hated these people from my hometown Hated these people from my hometown So I mailed them fire bomb Whoops I killed the people in my hometown My hometown My hometown
20.
Spoken: Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. My name is Billie Holiday and tonight I want to sing a little song for you that I wrote as part of the American war effort in 1942 with Mr. Louis Armstrong. I drink to Louie. Will you drink with me. Slow it down a little fellas (repeat x5) Fuck the Germans Fuck the Germans Fuck the Germans You got to Fuck the Germans A tisket A tasket Hitler’s balls In a basket Fuck the Germans Ahhh Fuck the Germans (as Louie Armstrong) Fuck the Germans Billie
21.
Cruel World 03:05
And the bombs rain down And the birds stop singing And the children are all starving And the love is lost And the anger eats the patient And the many serve the few And the radios are all broken And the mirror And the mirror Bye bye Cruel world With my name up in lights And my song in your car And my money in my mansion And my mansion in the sky Bye bye Cruel World The damage is done The world is broken beyond repair But I’m hateful And I’m selfish If it’s not about me I don’t care I’m an asshole And a loser And an idiot And a fuckstick And a weirdo And my name is Steph And the bombs rain down And the birds eat the children And the meek shall inherit What the mighty don’t raise And the sky is cracked And the water is all poison And the world limps forward Under the weight of our loss Bye bye Cruel world
22.
I was riding on the tube And the chick was being rude She got up in my face With her Chavvy attitude As the doors were opening And I got up to leave I called her a loser She said you can’t say that to me Cause I’m a gay, black, thirty-something One-legged, blind, midget pole-dancer With a tumor And I said Sorry Lalalalalala Lalalalalala Now, I was standing in this shop And this jerk-o jumped the queue I tapped him on the shoulder Said what do you think you are doing? He laughed and he sneered And for everyone to see I called him a prick He said you can’t say that to me Cause I’m a deaf, bi, Asian, teenager Albino Hindu, dancer instructor with a lisp And I said Oh Thorry I’m walking down the road And I come up to this crossing Some munchkin in a car Thought that I was only dossing And so when I went to cross He didn’t stop and nearly hit me I called him a twat He said you can’t say that to me Cause I’m a mute And I said Pardon That’s the trouble with the world today You’ve got to be so careful About everything you say I should keep my mouth shut That’s the safest bet If I’ve offended you already You ain’t seen nothing yet I got home really late And my girlfriend she was griping And I was so annoyed I couldn’t take anymore sniping She flew into a rage And threw a slipper at me She called me an asshole I said you can’t say that to me Cause I’m A Short, cross-eyed, braces wearing, Pimply, ginger, virgin, Spineless, mental chap, with a limp, yeah Cause I’m a web-fingered, bald, Italian, Chinese, muslim With alopecia and really bad breath, yeah Cause I’m a lonely single father With a pin in his hip Ex-army, cross-dresser in a turban, I’m a single Scottish poet Who is too old for TV I’m stupid I’m fat And I’m ugly And she said Blah blah Blah blah blah blah

about

Late Night Electric Watermelon.

As a member of cult Canadian trio Corky and the Juice Pigs, Phil co-wrote over 70 classic comedy songs including ‘Only Gay Eskimo’, ‘REMember’ and ‘Pandas Must Die’.

Late Night Electric Watermelon is an album of 19 comedy songs Phil has written since he left the Pigs in 1997.

Irreverent, puerile, dark, violent, ridiculously funny and just plain weird and these songs will make you laugh till you puke.

www.philnichol.com

For more info, music videos, liner notes & downloads of CD artwork, go to www.philnichol.com/latenightelectricwatermelon.php

credits

released February 23, 2014

The Players -
Phil Nichol - Guitars, Theremin, Toys, Vocals
Kirsty Newton - Bass, Keyboards, Pianos, Vocals on 17and 5, BVs
Matt Blair - Electric Guitars, BVs
Ivan Sheppard - Drums, BVs

With
Rich Causon - Hammond Organ
Rob Childs - Pedal Steel
Tom Fry - Stand-up Bass
Nick Pynn - Fiddle, Banjo, Mandolin
Laura Moody - Cello
Tony De Meur - Harmonica, BVs
Antonio Forcione - Flamenco Guitar
Baluji Shrivastav - Sitar, Tabla
Nick Van Gelder - Congas

The SP Horns
Steve Pretty - Trumpet
Tamar Osborn - Baritone Sax
Steve Thompson - Trombone
Jon Shenoy - Alto Sax
Produced by Phil Nichol and Rich Causon
At A Leaf Studios, Wood Green, London, UK

Mastered by Ray Staff
At Air Studios, London, UK

Al tracks written by Phil Nichol except;
Rust (Nichol/Hayden)
H. A. Cowboys (Cullen/Neale/Nichol)
ECG (Nichol/Neale)
Do Everything That You’re Not Supposed To (Spade)
Hometown (Nichol/Christie)

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about

Phil Nichol London, UK

a young simpleton.

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