Late Night Electric Watermelon

by Phil Nichol

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1.
03:24
2.
02:10
3.
4.
00:26
5.
02:10
6.
02:32
7.
8.
9.
01:08
10.
02:11
11.
02:19
12.
13.
02:40
14.
15.
16.
00:29
17.
18.
00:20
19.
03:12
20.
21.
03:05
22.

about

Late Night Electric Watermelon.

As a member of cult Canadian trio Corky and the Juice Pigs, Phil co-wrote over 70 classic comedy songs including ‘Only Gay Eskimo’, ‘REMember’ and ‘Pandas Must Die’.

Late Night Electric Watermelon is an album of 19 comedy songs Phil has written since he left the Pigs in 1997.

Irreverent, puerile, dark, violent, ridiculously funny and just plain weird and these songs will make you laugh till you puke.

www.philnichol.com

For more info, music videos, liner notes & downloads of CD artwork, go to www.philnichol.com/latenightelectricwatermelon.php

credits

released February 23, 2014

The Players -
Phil Nichol - Guitars, Theremin, Toys, Vocals
Kirsty Newton - Bass, Keyboards, Pianos, Vocals on 17and 5, BVs
Matt Blair - Electric Guitars, BVs
Ivan Sheppard - Drums, BVs

With
Rich Causon - Hammond Organ
Rob Childs - Pedal Steel
Tom Fry - Stand-up Bass
Nick Pynn - Fiddle, Banjo, Mandolin
Laura Moody - Cello
Tony De Meur - Harmonica, BVs
Antonio Forcione - Flamenco Guitar
Baluji Shrivastav - Sitar, Tabla
Nick Van Gelder - Congas

The SP Horns
Steve Pretty - Trumpet
Tamar Osborn - Baritone Sax
Steve Thompson - Trombone
Jon Shenoy - Alto Sax
Produced by Phil Nichol and Rich Causon
At A Leaf Studios, Wood Green, London, UK

Mastered by Ray Staff
At Air Studios, London, UK

Al tracks written by Phil Nichol except;
Rust (Nichol/Hayden)
H. A. Cowboys (Cullen/Neale/Nichol)
ECG (Nichol/Neale)
Do Everything That You’re Not Supposed To (Spade)
Hometown (Nichol/Christie)

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about

Phil Nichol London, UK

a young simpleton.

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Track Name: Clown's Nose
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2usz-XKsmY

I close my eyes
And drift away
Winnie-the-Pooh balloons
And a big gay parade
Pink candy floss fades back
To streets so grey
Cause now
The clown’s nose is broken
I cast my mind back
To that unfortunate day
I have to admit to you
I got carried away
When I wiped that cherry smile
Off that made up face
And now
The clown’s nose is broken
The clown’s nose is broken
And it doesn’t go…
It goes…
And it doesn’t go…
It goes…
And it doesn’t go…
It goes…
The clown’s nose is broken
The clown’s nose is broken
I’ve done my time for ABH
I know he was only small
Just about 4’8”
But he called homophobic
So I made him pay
And now the clown’s nose is broken
The clown’s nose is broken
And it doesn’t go…
It goes…
And it doesn’t go…
It goes…
And it doesn’t go…
It goes…
The clown’s nose is broken
The clown’s nose is broken
I say the clown’s
Clown’s nose
Is broken
I say the clown’s
Clown’s nose
is broken
The clown’s
Clown’s nose
Is broken.
Track Name: Rust
I am the rust
I am the must
I am the crust
On a mustard jar

I am the disease
I am the lice
I’m Satan’s hairy fingers
And I don’t smell nice

I am the Rust x2

I am the poison
I am mold
The festering peach
That shouldn’t be sold
I am heartache
I am stress
I’m the day old puke
On a fat girls dress

I am the rustx3

Things fall apart but I remain
Grieving, nausea, headache pain
Chaos spiral on the chemical plane
Sucking pube hairs from your drain

(Guitar solo)

I am the Rustx2

I am the puss
I am the cum
Anal infection
Haemorrhoidal scum
I am AIDS
I am the dirt
I am the bullet
That killed Kurt

I am the rust x3
Track Name: H. A. Cowboys
Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys
Stayed at our ranch last summer
They came out of the night
All sixteen
All white

Needing someplace to slumber
They cooked and cleaned and were helpful
So we shampooed their snow-coloured afros
We asked them to dance
They took a hesitant stance
And lay down
On soft comfy pillows

Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys
Looked like rabbits without any fur
Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys
Some called them freaks
But we called them sir

They left one night softly creepin’
While all of the dudes were a-sleepin’
We woke at dawn
And saw they was gone
So went back to sleep until evenin’
Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys
Looked like rabbits without any fur

Haemophiliac Albino Cowboys
Some called them freaks
But we called them sir
Some called them freaks
But we called them sir
Some called them freaks
(impro freak chat)
But we called them sir
Track Name: Do The Dukes
In a place called Hazard County lived a family called the Dukes
Uncle Jesse and the good ole boys, we knew as Bo and Luke
Car chases were de rigeur with Rosco in pursuit
But the only reason I watched the show was because of Daisy Duke

Daisy Duke
Daisy Duke
I’d lie awake at night
And dream of snogging
Daisy Duke

If Boss Hogg had his way the boys would spend their lives in jail
At the end of every episode the plot would surely fail
A clever twist in fate or in the road was all it took
But I couldn’t give a toss I only watched for Daisy Duke
Daisy Duke
Daisy Duke

I’d lie awake at night
And dream of shagging
Daisy Duke
Daisy Duke
Daisy Duke

I’d lie awake at night
And dream of shagging
Daisy Duke

As I turned fourteen a change came over me
I stop looking a Daisy’s shorts and the General Lee
As Graham Norton taught me a nudge was all it took
I stopped dreaming about Daisy and fantasized of Bo and Luke

Bo and Luke
Bo And Luke
I don’t know which one is which
But I’m in love
Bo and Luke
Bo and Luke
Bo And Luke

I lie awake at night
And dream of shagging
Bo and Luke


Daisy Duke
Daisy Duke
I’d lie awake in bed
And dream of shagging
Daisy Duke

Bo and Luke
Bo And Luke
I lie awake at night
And dream of shagging
Bo and Luke
Bo and Luke
As Daisy too

I lie awake at night
And dream of doing
All the Dukes
And Uncle Jesse too
Get on the floor old man
Track Name: ECG
You show your vagina
For a piece of popcorn
And everyone around you
Starts to laugh

But you mean much more to me
Emotionally Challenged Girl

One two three
Then you start to pee
And drink your urine
From a paper cup
Those kids are not your friends

Emotionally Challenged Girl

You might think that is weird
When I tell you
Not to wear your poo as a beard
Well I’ll tell you
Don’t show your ass
And don’t flash your tits
Don’t eat plums whole
And shit out the pits

So
Don’t run away
And don’t turn your back
And take that chewed up Frisbee
From you crack
You mean so much to me
You are my fantasy

Kiss me
Its ecstasy
Emotionally Challenged Girl
Emotionally Challenged Girl
Emotionally Challenged Girl
La lala la la
La la la la la
La la
Track Name: Kill Yourself
Kill yourself
Set yourself free
Kill yourself
It’s the only way to be
Grab a kitchen fork
Stick it in your throat
And as you draw your dying breath
Leave a little note saying
I’ve killed myself
There’s a chilli in the fridge

I’ve killed myself
Say goodbye to the kids

Death is not the end
Said the Dalai Lama
So take a part time job
As a suicide bomber

If you want to hasten
Your mortality
Question Mike Tyson’s
Sexuality

Climb the Eiffel tower
Throw yourself from the top
Or pull a replica gun
On an American cop
Kill yourself
It’s the only way to go
Kill yourself
That’s the end of the show
Hitler, Cobain, Cleopatra
At least they did it their way
Unlike Frank Sinatra
Doo be doo be

Do yourself in x3
Whoa
Whoa
In a river
Off a cliff
With a bullet
Or a knife
By a train
On a boat
In a pact
With your wife
Slash your wrist
Suffocate
Why wait
Just kill yourself

Kill yourself x2
Kill
Your
Self
Do yourself in
Track Name: Pancreas
Pancreas
You’re my favourite organ
Pancreas
You do all the dirty work
Pancreas
I need an operation
Pancreas
Don’t think that I’m a jerk
I never did anything to hurt you
But I’ve got this terrible pain in my gut
And when the doctor sticks his big knife in
Pancreas
It’s going to hurt a lot
Pancreas
When they put me under
Pancreas
Please don’t start to cuss
Pancreas
I never got time to thank yah
So Pancreas
Here’s a thanks from all of us
Thanks Pancreas
We love you
Track Name: Bitter Song
You think you have gone too far
But I’ll know you’ll go further
I took the brakes off of your car
See you later

You never should have left me
In the first place
I want to be with you now
If only to see your face

Stay on the road
You got lots of gas
Yeah,
You’re going to go further
Watch out for those kids
They just got out of class
Whoops
That’s called murder

You never should have left me
In the first place
I want to be with you now
If only to see your face

Hope that you enjoy the flight
Pull down the roof
Take a deep breath
Feel the wind
Against your face
Give me a call
When you come
Back down
From outer space

You never should have left me
In the first place
I want to be with you now
If only to see your face

Hope that you enjoy the flight
You never should have left me
In the first place
I want to be with you now
If only to see your face
Track Name: Sleazy
(Spanish gibberish)
I’m going to give you
A sleazy massage
I’m going to give you
A sleazy massage
Track Name: Rohypnol
I don’t feel so good
Is it me or is it hot in here?
I fell asleep in my pudding
I think I’ve had too much wine.

Rohypnol

This guy asked me out for dinner
He seemed so cool at the bar
His hands are warm and sweaty
He’s putting me into his car

Rohypnol

I woke up in my own bed
Wearing nothing but socks
A burning pain round my anus
The faint smell of cock

I can’t believe this has happened to me
It’s a dream sent from above
It’s everything I wanted
It’s everything I needed
To be taking advantage of
Hey hey hey

On the floor by the cupboard
The guy is slumped and blue
I could never have guessed that
He liked Rohypnol too

Rohypnol
Track Name: Helen Keller's Feller
She’s deaf and she’s dumb
And she’s my girl
I’m Helen Keller’s Feller
She can’t see, talk or hear
And I can’t smell
And I’m Helen Keller’s Feller
I can’t tell her
Cause I’m Helen Keller’s Feller
That I can’t smell her
Cause I’m Helen Keller’s Feller
Track Name: The Warning Of Greasy Fist Joe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOus8leLRWs

The moon was full
The night was still
I was breaker 1-9
I’m rubber duck Big Jessie
In a convoy of five

Scooter was driving Kenworth
Yellowman was hauling horse
Stavros drives a grocery grabber
Fred’s watching our back door
With no sign of Smokey
Peddle to the metal
We were clear
When we heard his voice
The hair on my neck
Stood up in mortal fear

Hoobo doo ba de do
Heeb did diddly day
Deee ba doo ba de do
Be boo
Is what he said

Yellowman screamed
And Scooter shat
And Starvros 10-4’d Fred
It sounded like the voice of Greasy Fist Joe
But we knew he was DEAD
But he was dead
Dead dead dead

I jammed on the Jake brake
Pulled into the choke and puke
There were 10-14 truckers
Surrounded by a Bear named Duke
Smokey explained
A crotch rocket jockey
Had jack-knifed Dirty Jane
Had we kept our hammer down
Our fate would have been the same
This was the warning of Greasy Fist Joe
When it’s dark and you are tired
If you listen really low
On the static of channel 6
On your CB radio
It’ll chill your spine
It’ll blow your mind
Cause you will hear him go

Hoobo doo ba de do
Heeb did diddly day
Deee ba doo ba de do
Be bo

Is what he said
But he was dead
Dead dead dead

We were saved because we heard him
Five of us and fourteen more
So stop and heed the warning
Of Greasy Fist Joe
As you hurtle cross
The freeway of your life as it may go
Take your tootsies off the peddle
Remember go slow

This was the warning of Greasy Fist Joe
When it’s dark and you are tired
If you listen really low
On the static of channel 6
On your CB radio
It’ll chill your spine
It’ll blow your mind
Cause you will hear him go

Hoobo doo ba de do
Heeb did diddly day
Deee ba doo ba de do
Be bo
Is what he said
But he was dead
Dead dead dead
Track Name: String
When God made little boys
He made them out of string
He had a little left
And so
He left a little thing
When God made little girls
He made them out of lace
He didn’t have enough
And so
He left a little space
I’m string
I’m string
I’m string
I’m string
Track Name: Norwegian Stalker's Requiem
I love him
Like a fish loves to swim
I need him
Like a princess needs a whim
I’m crazy
Like a monkey on a limb
I love him
Like a bin man loves his bins
(Norwegian rap)
I’m lonely
Like a tonic without the gin
I need him
Like a gay man needs a rim
I’m crazy
Like an amputee without a limb
I hate him
Like a fat chick hates the gym
You asshole
You creep
I’m going to kill you
In your sleep
So be prepared
My teeth are bared
Your days are numbered
Just like the ones we shared
Goodbye dead boy
Hope you enjoy
Hope you enjoy
Goodbye dead boy
Hope you enjoy
Sleeping with your eyes
Wide open
(Norwegian rap)
I love him
I need him
I want him
I hate him
Track Name: Hometown
Her lips had been frosted and her colours had been done
She wore her hair in a chignon, denied it was a bun
She suffered from depression though she didn’t know its causes
She occupied herself with what foie gras and vichyssoise is
She popped pills for her nerves
Drank a crisp Chablis with lunch
She packed a Finnish vodka to pour in her fruit punch
She had a tendency to get quite lippy
Her name was Tippy

His hairline was receding and his interests were quite varied
And so were all the rumours as to why he never married
He collected Royal Dalton. He was pinch lipped and prissy.
He had a twin Pekingese called Debbie and Missy
He was partial to antiques and Victorian button hooks
He gave the high track team such burning hungry looks
He had a reputation as the local child molester
His name was Chester

I hated these people from my hometown
Hated these people from my hometown
So I mailed them fire bomb
Whoops I killed the people in my hometown

She drank pots of fresh coffee and smoked a Marlboro light
She played a mean game of Canasta well into the night
She had unsightly small grey hairs sprouting from her double chin
And no one had ever seen her without her curlers in
She wore purple toreador pants and lime green sleeveless tops
She wore purple plastic flowers on the toes of her flip flops
Her husband was known as Mr. Sherri-Lynn
Her name was Sherri-Lynn

I hated these people from my hometown
Hated these people from my hometown
So I mailed them fire bomb
Whoops I killed the people in my hometown
(Everybody sing)

I hated these people from my hometown
Hated these people from my hometown
So I mailed them fire bomb
Whoops I killed the people in my hometown

My hometown
My hometown
Track Name: Billie Holiday
Spoken:
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. My name is Billie Holiday
and tonight I want to sing a little song for you that I wrote as part of the
American war effort in 1942 with Mr. Louis Armstrong. I drink to Louie.
Will you drink with me.

Slow it down a little fellas (repeat x5)

Fuck the Germans
Fuck the Germans
Fuck the Germans
You got to
Fuck the Germans

A tisket
A tasket
Hitler’s balls
In a basket
Fuck the Germans
Ahhh

Fuck the Germans

(as Louie Armstrong)
Fuck the Germans Billie
Track Name: Cruel World
And the bombs rain down
And the birds stop singing
And the children are all starving
And the love is lost
And the anger eats the patient
And the many serve the few
And the radios are all broken
And the mirror
And the mirror
Bye bye
Cruel world

With my name up in lights
And my song in your car
And my money in my mansion
And my mansion in the sky
Bye bye
Cruel World

The damage is done
The world is broken beyond repair
But I’m hateful
And I’m selfish
If it’s not about me
I don’t care
I’m an asshole
And a loser
And an idiot
And a fuckstick
And a weirdo
And my name is Steph
And the bombs rain down
And the birds eat the children
And the meek shall inherit
What the mighty don’t raise
And the sky is cracked
And the water is all poison
And the world limps forward
Under the weight of our loss
Bye bye
Cruel world
Track Name: Can't Say That To Me
I was riding on the tube
And the chick was being rude
She got up in my face
With her Chavvy attitude
As the doors were opening
And I got up to leave
I called her a loser
She said you can’t say that to me

Cause
I’m a gay, black, thirty-something
One-legged, blind, midget pole-dancer
With a tumor
And I said
Sorry

Lalalalalala
Lalalalalala

Now, I was standing in this shop
And this jerk-o jumped the queue
I tapped him on the shoulder
Said what do you think you are doing?
He laughed and he sneered
And for everyone to see
I called him a prick
He said you can’t say that to me

Cause
I’m a deaf, bi, Asian, teenager Albino
Hindu, dancer instructor with a lisp
And I said
Oh Thorry

I’m walking down the road
And I come up to this crossing
Some munchkin in a car
Thought that I was only dossing
And so when I went to cross
He didn’t stop and nearly hit me
I called him a twat
He said you can’t say that to me

Cause
I’m a mute
And I said
Pardon

That’s the trouble with the world today
You’ve got to be so careful
About everything you say
I should keep my mouth shut
That’s the safest bet
If I’ve offended you already
You ain’t seen nothing yet

I got home really late
And my girlfriend she was griping
And I was so annoyed
I couldn’t take anymore sniping
She flew into a rage
And threw a slipper at me
She called me an asshole
I said you can’t say that to me

Cause
I’m
A
Short, cross-eyed, braces wearing,
Pimply, ginger, virgin,
Spineless, mental chap, with a limp, yeah

Cause
I’m a web-fingered, bald, Italian, Chinese, muslim
With alopecia and really bad breath, yeah

Cause
I’m a lonely single father
With a pin in his hip
Ex-army, cross-dresser in a turban,

I’m a single Scottish poet
Who is too old for TV
I’m stupid
I’m fat
And I’m ugly

And she said
Blah blah
Blah blah blah blah