Can't Say That To Me

from Late Night Electric Watermelon by Phil Nichol

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I was riding on the tube
And the chick was being rude
She got up in my face
With her Chavvy attitude
As the doors were opening
And I got up to leave
I called her a loser
She said you can’t say that to me

I’m a gay, black, thirty-something
One-legged, blind, midget pole-dancer
With a tumor
And I said


Now, I was standing in this shop
And this jerk-o jumped the queue
I tapped him on the shoulder
Said what do you think you are doing?
He laughed and he sneered
And for everyone to see
I called him a prick
He said you can’t say that to me

I’m a deaf, bi, Asian, teenager Albino
Hindu, dancer instructor with a lisp
And I said
Oh Thorry

I’m walking down the road
And I come up to this crossing
Some munchkin in a car
Thought that I was only dossing
And so when I went to cross
He didn’t stop and nearly hit me
I called him a twat
He said you can’t say that to me

I’m a mute
And I said

That’s the trouble with the world today
You’ve got to be so careful
About everything you say
I should keep my mouth shut
That’s the safest bet
If I’ve offended you already
You ain’t seen nothing yet

I got home really late
And my girlfriend she was griping
And I was so annoyed
I couldn’t take anymore sniping
She flew into a rage
And threw a slipper at me
She called me an asshole
I said you can’t say that to me

Short, cross-eyed, braces wearing,
Pimply, ginger, virgin,
Spineless, mental chap, with a limp, yeah

I’m a web-fingered, bald, Italian, Chinese, muslim
With alopecia and really bad breath, yeah

I’m a lonely single father
With a pin in his hip
Ex-army, cross-dresser in a turban,

I’m a single Scottish poet
Who is too old for TV
I’m stupid
I’m fat
And I’m ugly

And she said
Blah blah
Blah blah blah blah


from Late Night Electric Watermelon, released February 23, 2014


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Phil Nichol London, UK

a young simpleton.

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